Attention newly admitted college freshman across the world: Before you dive into a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream, prop up your feet, and whip out your stack of college movies to prepare you for what is to come this September I would like to give you a warning. Take it all with a grain of salt. These college movie directors are LIARS. Did they not go to college?
By all means go forth and binge watch the movies. They’ve got hot guys, good soundtracks, lots of LOLs, and plus what else are you going to do with your time? Just remember that all isn’t what it seems. Here are a few lies that I’ve found in college movies. However, the rest you will have to learn for yourself, young grasshopper.
1. Legally Blonde
Watching Legally Blonde is like hitting the mother load of college movie lies. Let’s just go through them all:
1. First off not all blondes you meet in college are dumb. Just, like, give a few of us the, like, benefit of the doubt that we don’t, like, sit around and, like, twirl our hair around our, like, finger while wearing all pink, and like, bend and snap. And we don’t, like, sound stupid and like, say “like” all the time either. Like, just sayin’.
2. Being hot won’t get you into a good college. Being hot won’t get you far in college either. Some classes have 300+ students in them. You’re just a face in the crowd and a name on the roster, bb.
Yeah, it IS hard.
4. All sorority houses don’t look like this. I promise.
5. Bending and snapping will get you NOWHERE. Just bump into the guy and accidentally spill your coffee all over him like a normal person would. Sheesh.
2. Good Will Hunting
Good Will Hunting is one of my top three favorite movies. I know it inside and out, forwards and backwards and I’ve used the apples line more times than I can count. You’re probably thinking that the lie in question is that there aren’t genius-janitors lurking around the halls of universities at night solving math proofs written on chalkboards. Nope, I have no issue with that. Could happen. What I do have a problem with, however, is letting soon-to-be freshman believe that the people mopping floors at night look like THIS:
News flash: They don’t. They’re all like, eighty and smell of gasoline. Okay, maybe not all of them smell bad, but they certainly do not have arms like Matt Damon and flowing locks of golden hair and a cute south Boston accent.
But that does not mean I don’t wish they did.
Okay, let’s state the obvious. You can’t just CREATE your own college. That’s lie #1. Lie #2? You can’t pick whatever major you want. There are selections you have to chose from. It sucks. You’re 18, just graduated high school, and you’re expected to decide your future career?! Ridiculous.
I’ve given this some and I think that Accepted was on to something. I wouldn’t mind picking a major based off of my interests and loading my schedule with courses that I’m actually interested in. If I could my day would look something like:
- 8:00AM-8:50AM Coffee Tasting 101
- 11:00AM-12:20PM From Beatlemania to One Directioners: The History of Fangirling
- 12:30PM- 2:00PM The Alexa, Kate, and Cara Story: How to Become the Next British Socialite
- 3:00PM-3:30PM Filters, Captions, and Lighting: The Art of the Selfie
Plus I’d throw in an “internship” that involving napping, tweeting witty things, and eating a lot of food.
A girl can dream.
4. The Prince and Me
Sorry, but your royal highness isn’t going to be sitting next to you in Chemistry class. His hand isn’t going to accidentally brush yours while you both go to grab the last grilled cheese in the dining hall (then you fall in love), he isn’t going to bump into you and spill his latte all over you as he walks out of Starbucks (then you fall in love), and he isn’t going to live in the room next to yours in the dorm making for a few awkward I’m-in-my-towel-but-I’ll-say-hello-anyway exchanges (which inevitably make you fall in love).
He isn’t going to take you to his castle for spring break.
Or make out with you in the library stacks. To be honest most of the guys in college are the same as the ones in high school, but a bit older and probably have a beer belly starting to form. Winning. The one exception to this lie is Kate Middleton. She actually did go to university with the prince. She won the life lottery.
But us? Well. Take it away, Lorde.
5. Pitch Perfect
I’m sure there is the rare exception, but for the most part people don’t just whip open your shower curtain in the communal bathrooms and demand to hear you sing. I promise. Some people are cool with nakedness, and that’s great and all, but if you’re heading to college next year and Pitch Perfect is making you think you should wear a bathing suit in the shower because of this scene, don’t. First off, that doesn’t happen. Second, you would be better off just being seen naked if it did happen because if you wear a bathing suit in the shower you will have no friends. I can promise you that. Don’t even be the person that puts their clothes on in the shower after bathing and then their clothes awkwardly stick to them as the waddle back to their room. For Pete’s sake no one cares. Just shuffle back to your room in your towel.
Also, these singing battles don’t really happen either. BUT if they do they’re totally underground and secret which makes them pretty bad@$$.