Backpacks: What Yours Says About You

Clarissa Davies is a sophomore Journalism and Media Communications major at CSU. She is currently planning world domination while trying to pass this math class, and forever wishing she was buried in a pile of warm, freshly laundered towels. On a good day, she looks like Jared Leto.

Zara DeGroot is a lover of autumnal candles, expert in petting puppy ears, and winner of the RMCA 8th grade Most Improved at Math award. One time, someone mistook her for Rob Kardashian. She is a sophomore Journalism and Media Communications major and a Business minor at CSU.

This week Clarissa and Zara have teamed up to give you an insight on something that is overlooked, but a crucial part of the academic experience: backpacks. What does your backpack say about you? Read along and find out. This is 100% true all the time.

Herschel backpack

This backpack is hot on the market. It can hold your camera equipment, your leather bound journal, and an extra “Obey” hat. Wearing this backpack says that you are ready for adventure, but you care about your Tumblr blog and self-promotion.

Canvas/army backpack

Your RA who is in the army reserves or that art major who always has an extra tube of paint has one of these. They are big enough to carry an infant, a handful of puppies, and a yoga mat. Like the bag material, the bag wearers are heavy duty.

Big purse

These purses-gone-book bags cater to those most fashionable, who are willing to sacrifice function for an outfit boost. Never mind that your shoulder goes numb and you develop a limp — if it’s cute, it stays!

Suitcase

For the kid who never fully got it. Yes, there are CSU students who drag around suitcases to carry their books. It could be practical — maybe if you were going on a business trip. This is only allowed if you are under 12 or over 60, or you are a history professor who refuses to conform to backpack norms. But if said suitcase user trips on the sidewalk, lend a hand.

Vera Bradley/Victoria’s Secret floral print backpack

Vera Bradley backpacks are for those girls who stick to their riding boot-infinity scarf-leggings-long sweater-warm drink-in-hand outfit. As a Vera Bradley owner myself, I appreciate the function this bag brings to the table. You can wash it when it becomes dirty and it is just a pretty thing to strap on your hunchback before heading to campus. However, I’d like to point out that not all Vera Bradley wearers look the same. I mean, look at me! *pulls out dentures*

All-American, no-messin-around, I’m-going-to-be-a-parent-someday JanSport backpack

Probably the most common backpacks out there. The kids who wear these always eat a balanced breakfast and stress out over the extra credit homework. In JanSports you will find a carton of milk, a stapler, an address book, and copies of their resume. JanSports are for the straight-laced kids.

Backpacking backpack

A slack line, a sleeping bag, and a Nalgene covered with local brewery stickers can be found in here along with their A+ paper about GMO labeling. This backpack wearer spends his/her weekends in the mountains and treks through campus listening to Cat Stevens and reading Dan Brown books without a conformity care in the world.

Messenger bag

These backpacks are looped over the shoulders of the young writers and poets. They are stuffed with crinkled papers of Walt Whitman quotes and personal stainless steel coffee mugs. They may have slight hunch because carrying around American literature all day may be a burden, but you will not hear them complaining.

Briefcase

For the business majors, future government leaders, and the Bart Basses of the world. Briefcase users are always willing to strike up a deal, but be careful, who knows what is inside of that thin piece of leather. Money? Drugs? Propaganda? Marbles?

Pencil in back pocket

These kids rarely show up to class, but when they do they always ask you for a piece of paper or a pen that they will chew on and you will never see again. These non-backpack users roll out of bed, stick a pencil in their back pocket, and are probably after your meal swipes. Do not trust the ones without backpacks.

Little tiny designer “backpack”

If you can’t fit a third lunch in your bag, do not call it, or use it as, a backpack. These serve no function but to carry your wallet, small headphones, and a bottle of Chanel No. 5.

Under Armour string backpack

Chances are you are an athlete and only have to carry around your Beats headphones if they aren’t already around your neck. These sacks can go from the school to the gym very easily.

Drawstring multi-colored satchel

You probably picked this up in Boulder, India, or on a street market in Mexico. Lucky for you, it is big enough to hold your prayer crystals, bottle of kombucha, and fresh produce from Whole Foods. It has no other desire than to travel the globe in peace.