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College Advice From Lucille Bluth

You want your belt to buckle, not your chair.

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Let’s face it, finding good tasting, healthy food anywhere is hard. It’s damn near impossible on a college campus. And remember you can’t spell “salad” without “sad.” The freshman 15 doesn’t have to be an inevitability though. Join your college gym. I’m sure it’s free for students or much cheaper than the local place covered in sweat and self-conscious tears you can afford.

I don’t understand the question and I won’t respond to it.

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Class participation is important, but you don’t need to start talking for the sake of talking. If you don’t know the answer, be honest and ask for clarification. Worse comes to worst, just say you agree with the person who talked before you.

Get a job!

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I know, it’s hard out there now and not just for pimps. Utilize the resources you have! Join clubs, make great connections with professors who will become recommendations, and use your career service office as much as you use health services for free condoms. They’ll help tailor your resume and draft cover letters. After that, you can afford your own condoms!

I don’t know who that is and I don’t care to find out.

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Stranger danger is real on campus. Don’t take a professor you don’t know or who hasn’t been recommended by your friend or at least RateMyProfessor.com. Trust your gut instinct when it comes to meeting new people. The only people you’re forced to interact with are your roommates or assigned groups. Be selective when it comes to friends, mentors, or anyone in your life. Only surround yourself with people who inspire you, make you laugh, or you can share hobbies with.

No sugar for you. You just get more awful.

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Replace sugar with alcohol and say this to yourself when you’re feeling woozy.

What other advice would you take from Lucille Bluth?

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