The Snoring Roommate: The Worst Kind

Sometimes, in college (or in life in general), you don’t always get your way. Like when you get placed with a roommate who has a perpetual snoring problem.

You may love your roommate to death, but let’s be honest, their nightly breathing issue is less than ideal. You could totally live without getting woken up in the middle of the night by what sounds like roaring thunder. Alas, it’s just your roommate and his/her nose making one of the most horrid sounds heard on earth.

For those of you who don’t know what having a snoring roommate is like, lucky you. Maybe you’ve experienced the horror of snoring when you went home with someone. Bet ya regretted that one real quick. Or maybe you’re a snorer yourself. Yikes.

Whether you live with a snorer or you are the snorer, the person who lays awake against their will because of their snoring counterpart is someone we all need to sympathize, or empathize with.

I’ve compiled a list of thoughts that go through the other roommate’s head who must patiently endure the loud rumbles coming from the mouth of the roommate who is blissfully, not-so-sound asleep.

Disclaimer: the characters in this monologue are fictional. The thoughts are not.

*It’s an early, fall Tuesday morning at the University of Buffalo. It’s pouring rain and the whole apartment is asleep. Except for Skyler, who lies awake as her roommate Shoshanna is ripping snores as she dreams about unicorns prancing around Arches National Park in Utah.*

1:20 am

Oh god, NO. She’s doing it again. There’s no way this can be worse than last night, though. I can’t be kept awake until 6am again. I have an ANATOMY midterm tomorrow.

1:23am

Holy shit. This like nothing I’ve heard before. Is this a 20 year old girl or my 87 year old grandfather?

1:39am

There is no way that this is okay. How is this natural? Is she…dying?

1:47am

WHAT WAS THAT. That literally sounded orchestrated.

1:48 am

SHOSHANNA ARE YOU MESSING WITH ME

1:49am

This has to be a joke. A cruel, cruel joke. What did I do to deserve this?

1:55am

Well, it’s almost been an hour. I might as well watch some It’s Always Sunny. That’ll put me in a better mood and maybe Charlie’s voice will put me to sleep.

2:00am

SERIOUSLY SHOSHANNA I CAN HEAR YOU THROUGH HEADPHONES

2:04am

Shosh has no freakin’ respect.

2:06am

I need to tweet about this. But I don’t want to hurt her feelings in the morning. Yik Yak it is.

2:10am

There’s no feeling more lonely in the world than when people don’t up your yak about having a roommate who snores.

I am the only person alive on this planet.

Omg but what if I really am… is this the apocolypse?

I’m never leaving my bed

2:27 am

I will not text my ex to ask to sleep in his room. I will not text my ex to ask to sleep in his room. I will not text my ex to ask to sleep in his room. Iwillnottextmyextoasktosleepinhisroom.