Throwback Thursday is your weekly concentrated dose of nostalgia, where we round up the bests and worsts of all things 90s (and the early 2000s.) This week: the top 5 Disney movies (cartoon edition).
We all know them and love them. We’ve memorized their soundtracks. We’ve memorized the dialogue. We’ve been their characters for countless Halloweens. As kids, we probably even had birthday parties based around them. Unless you were raised by wolves or hippie parents who didn’t believe in TVs and VCRs, you grew up watching these over and over and over again until your mom hid the tapes on the top shelf of her closet because if she had to hear that movie one more time she was going to pull her hair out. These movies taught every girl how to be a princess, and also to be wary of stepmothers in general. That’s right. I’m talking about Disney movies. These are our top 5 favorite Disney movies (and while not all of them are from the 90s, you know you watched and loved them as a child!)
Beauty and the Beast
Beauty and the Beast is a personal favorite of mine. When I was around two years old, I answered to nothing but “Belle”. That phase lasted about a year. You could say, as a girl with brown hair who likes to read, that even at a young age, I identified the most with her. Even though I am a bit of a bibliophile, I do have a bone to pick with a certain part of that movie – the scene where the Beast gives Belle his library. Clearly the Beast did not take a hint from the eternal words of Beyonce. “If you like it then you should have put a ring on it!” What girl wants her boyfriend to give her a big pile of books? He should have given her some jewelry. Also, what was the Beast thinking when he forbid Belle from going to the West Wing? That’s like telling someone “Don’t look down.” The first thing they are going to do is look down. Or in this case, investigate the West Wing. While Belle may not have been good at following orders, she certainly could pull off the color yellow. As a brown-haired, pale-skinned girl, I know with her complexion, that is no easy feat. One thing I did take away from the movie was never trust a greasy-haired man with a pony-tail. “My, what a guy, Gaston.” I think not.
The Little Mermaid
The Little Mermaid is a classic movie about teenage rebellion gone awry. Ariel is basically the Ferris Bueller of Disney movies. Seriously, though – teenage daughter gets into a fight with her super-controlling father, and then decides to skip town and stay with the boy that she has been forbidden to see? Does it get any more Breakfast Club than that? This movie also just proves that it doesn’t take much for these Disney princes to fall in love. All Ariel had to do was sing to Prince Eric and he woke up ready to marry her, simply because of the beautiful sound of her voice. I have a feeling that if this is the way marriage really worked, all of Adele’s music would have very different content matter. My next question is, really Prince Eric? You’re ready to give up on your dream girl that quickly, for someone who doesn’t talk? How misogynistic is that? The girl doesn’t speak! And suddenly, it’s bye-bye, dream girl, and hello, silent spouse. Come on now.
Sure, this is the ultimate story of going from rags to riches (or maybe just marrying wealthy) and finding your true love. Sure, Cinderella got taken out of her unpleasant life of being a servant to her family to become a princess, plus she got a nice pretty ball gown. But what I’m really jealous of is Cinderella’s team of mice friends that help her get ready in the morning. That only took her one song’s worth of time. It takes me about half an hour to take a shower, pick out my clothes, and do my hair every day. Imagine how much quicker that could all get done if I had an assembly team of mice to do it for me. I could use the rest of that time in the morning to do something more productive like write articles about Disney movies. I do have a serious question about a major plot point in this movie though. Do her stepsisters really not recognize her at the ball? All she does is put on a fancy new dress, it’s not like she gets a nose job or anything. Is that really all it takes? Really, stepsisters? They give a bad rep to stepsisters everywhere.
Everyone is thinking it, but I’m just going to say it: dayuuuummm! Aladdin is, by far, the hottest of all the Disney men. Sure, the other guys are attractive and have redeeming qualities. But Aladdin is the only one of them that walks around with an open vest all the time and a super fine six-pack. I think Aladdin might be the movie that takes the prize for being the most scantily clad. All of the other Disney princesses wear conservative dresses during the day, and while they might switch things up in the evening with their beautiful gowns, Jasmine’s outfit was, shall I say, a bit more liberal. It takes a lot of self-confidence for a girl to be constantly showing off her midriff. What happens on days where she eats just a little too much salty food and feels bloated?
Most of the Disney women may have been beautiful princesses with extravagant lifestyles, but it’s really Anita from 101 Dalmations that I’m the most jealous of. First off, she has all the dogs she could ever want. Also, she’s married to a total hipster. There’s no denying that Roger is definitely hipsterrific. He wears sweater vests and has rolled up sleeves. He smokes a pipe. He’s obsessed with his dog. He plays all kinds of instruments and wants to be a songwriter. Plus, he’s British. So basically, he’s the perfect man / hipster husband. I do have a couple of questions about Cruella de Vil though. Why is she so old? If she’s Anita’s “dearly devoted old schoolmate” as Roger claims, why is she so much older than Anita? Also, why does she have such a vendetta against puppies? I feel like this goes a bit deeper than wanting to have a nice fur coat. Cruella is definitely the image of cray-cray. Doubt me? Just watch for those crazy eyes while she chases a truck full of innocent puppies.