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Clarissa Davies is a sophomore Journalism and Media Communications major at CSU. She loves reading reviews for movies, eating salmon nigiri, watching historical dramas, and dreaming of the day she slashes the hearts of her unrequited lovers. Her friend Zara often tells her she looks like Jared Leto, which is true by the way. 

Zara DeGroot is the acclaimed winner of the RMCA 8th grade Most Improved at Math award. You can find her wrapped in a soft blanket watching Friends and dreaming of finding her Chandler Bing, or singing the Les Misérables soundtrack by heart. She is studying Journalism and Business at CSU. 

Shoes are one of the most defining parts of a human being. For us, it’s a make or break. Haven’t you seen a handsome dude or lovely dudette and thought “wow, I’m so attracted to them” until you look down and see the awful New Balance sneakers they’re strutting around in? It ruins everything! We rightfully challenge you to rethink your shoe choices if you find yourself wearing the New Balance WX1007 model, seen below.

new balance types of shoes

At any college campus you will find different types of shoes that perfectly fit their wearers. And that’s what we’re writing about today… As a precaution, this is satirical, obviously not meant to offend or harm, but written from our own personal observations.

1) Birkenstock

Birkenstock have become quite mainstream this past year, and undoubtably so. They’re made from a soft cork that molds to your distinct foot. These are the truest warm weather shoes here in Colorado. Although they can cost a pretty penny, you’ll find most English/Art students trotting around campus with their yoga mats slung over their shoulder. You’ll also find the Average Joe pairing them with a fleece sock come chilly season. If you haven’t picked up a pair, do so immediately, and you’ll fit right in at the next poetry slam.

2) Chukkas

Chukkas can be found on the campus indie-hottie male. He could be utterly average in appearance, but with these fly kicks he goes from a 6/10 to a 12/10. Ayy tho. Paired with a quiff, a denim jacket and dark round sunglasses, you cannot lose with the ladies. With an outfit as on-point as this, you’re bound to be on-point in other aspects of your life, and for that we applaud you.

3) Chacos

Similar to Birkenstock, these are common summer shoes in Colorado, among other states. They’re popular for those who value comfort over anything, except if you have bunions because we’ve heard they hurt them. At CSU, you’ll find these outdoor sandals on those who enjoy rock climbing or simply riding their bike to campus.

4) Sorels

Come winter weather, these are a staple. And we can see why — they’re cute, warm, and get you in a cozy spirit. Wait, that sounds like a boyfriend. Anyway, pick up a pair of these at your local REI and your walks through campus in negative degree weather will not end in frostbite.

5) Steve Madden boots/any leather boot

Probably the most common shoe found on any girl at CSU, along with most other college campuses. Steve Madden is known for finding his way into girls’ closets and feet, despite the hefty price. Good thing you can find similar ones at Target for a fraction of that cost. These boots can be worn year round and are paired perfectly with a non-fat, no foam lite vanilla latte, and perfectly manicured nails.

6) Combat boots

A close competitor of the leather boot, the combat boot will change your style from Cali girl to Han Solo in a split second. Combat boots are popular for the boys too, mostly the army boys — heeeeeyy.

7) Doc Martens

Doc Martens are another pair of boots that have regained their popularity. They are the universal “I prefer underground bands and movies directed by Diablo Cody, also I do not support Starbucks and my ‘I hate everything’ outlook on life makes me superior to you.” As an owner of Docs myself, I can say that this is mostly true. But give these Doc Marten wearers a break, they are by far the hardest boot to break in and you’ll end up with blistered, bleeding feet. But who cares because you hate everything!

8) Nike anything

For all those active kids who just do it. For those who want you to think, “I didn’t try hard in my appearance today.” For guys, a pair of Nikes can be, and mostly are, a staple everyday shoe. They can go from the classroom to the gym instantly. They are the universal sign of athleticism.

9) Sanuk “banana peel” slip-ons

For the guy who just wants to be pals with everyone! We call these shoes the banana peel shoes because that’s probably what they’re made of. A simple Google search has informed us that these suckers are actually made from inner tubes and carpet. Therefore, these people probably have rug burns and enjoy doing their part for the planet. Noble, yes, but you don’t see Al Gore wearing these, do you? DO YOU??!?

10) Rope “globetrotter” sandal

You either bought these at Urban Outfitters or made them yourself. Either way, this is not ancient Mesopotamia. If you wear these, you probably walk everywhere and want to be a cultural anthropologist.

11) Vans

Nothing says “I’m a cool college boy having fun” like a pair of Vans. They take you to and from frat houses, are paired well with longboards, and according to all the girls in the world, “Yeah, ever since he’s worn Vans, he is cute and fun!”

12) Toe shoes

If you wear these, you’re probably an environmentalist and you love nothing more than a morning jog whilst hiding your unsightly toes. You just have to know that we think these shoes are the worst thing in the world.

13) Hiking boots

We have found that people who are not from Colorado tend to wear these. Does everyone think Colorado natives hike all the time? We can assure you, we don’t. Regardless, these are practical and provide ample ankle support and look great even when they’re covered in mud. We wish we could say the same.

14) The all-original Chuck Taylors

For the original kid who never strays from the median and has a love for their trusty, forever-in-style sneaker.

15) Toms

For the “I serve communion at church and mainly use the black and white filter on Instagram” girl, and also for the “I want to live in Africa and climb all the mountains” man. We all know your feet smell really bad.

16) Cheetah high tops

For those who idolize Willow Smith and have a constant loop of Iggy Azalea playing in their head. These people march to the beat of their own drum and that is commendable.

17) Cowboy boots

Need we say more? We get it. You like Brantley Gilbert. You like hunting. You like BBQ and the Fourth of July. You like smoking cigars in the back of your Dodge pickup after a day of shooting ducks. You will move out of the country if Hillary Clinton ever becomes president. *whispers* We get it. On a less satirical note, thank you for always holding the door open.

18) Black leather business shoes

Either loafer or sneaker style, these as for those aspiring student government kids. “Shine your leather folks, we’re going to D.C., we mean business” they probably say to themselves as they iron their white button downs and slide into these sick presidential shoes.

19) Crocs

Crocs get hated on far too much. If you put on a pair, you’d realize that your arches are much happier and you can walk farther distances. Nothing stands in your way. We do not hate on these rubbery foot gloves. A wise prophet once said, “Crocs and socks got flow, tho.”

20) Barefoot

For the simpletons, the spirituals and the ones with impressive heel callouses. Let the Earth be soft to your soles and soul.

Bonus: Lands End no laces sneaker

We had these in elementary school and we regret nothing. Although they’ll probably get you bullied in college, they are comfortable and we would recommend them for a desk job.


What types of shoes do you utterly loathe?